This post has been rolling around in my head since Sunday. I have been trying so hard to find just the right words to put on to paper the feelings in my heart. Sometimes Sundays are hard. Sometimes on Sundays a well meaning member of my church will take the stand and speak of things that he or she wholeheartedly believes are true and right and absolute.
In my head I know that his or her words are
not meant to hurt
not meant to make me feel small
not meant to make me feel that I am less of a mother
that I don't love my children enough
and yet that is how I feel for days and days later.
Like a broken record playing in my head I hear his words repeating. Mothers are meant to raise the children. Their priority should be at home. Something or other about giving the raising of my children over to a babysitter and how wrong that is.
I work incredibly hard to raise my children well. To love them with every ounce of my heart. To teach them to be good people. And even with all of this, because I choose to be a kindergarten teacher, I am made to feel like less. It happens in ways both big and small. Both are equally painful. Hearing in a talk in Sacrament that the right thing to do is stay home and raise the children, implying sometimes not so subtly that my choice is the wrong one. Sitting silently through a Relief Society lesson where the topic strays to how perfect and right it is to be a stay-at-home-mom blessed each day with the task of raising their children, how grateful they are to not have been tempted by the ways of the world into believing that work outside the home could ever be more important than that of raising your own children. Being left out of the circle of moms, friends that share their daily joys and hardships of raising kids, a group I so desperately wanted to belong to, but somehow was not qualified to join.
I look for signs in my children that I have made a mistake. That I have somehow let them down while touching the lives of more than 200 other children.
In 10 years I have touched the lives of more than 200 children.
How incredible is that! At times I have been the only hug, the one to wipe away the tears, to provide the breakfast or the lunch for the child that doesn't have any, I have been the saving grace that made the call-the one that helped free the child from a dangerous home. I have taught them to read, to be kind to one another, to believe in themselves, I have loved them each and every one. I have made a difference.
Remembering this my heart soars
And while I felt small after his talk, wanted to run from that Church, wanted to be brave enough just once to speak up and say "please, don't judge me, or the life I love, a life that is blessed with 20 new children to love and help raise each year, loving them does not mean I love my own any less." I have to be content in knowing that I have great kids, they are well loved by me and others. Their lives have been touched and blessed by a circle of love, charity, and kindness. Because I have worked they have had more arms to love them, more people to teach them, more examples of how to be Christlike in their words and actions, they have had Leslie and Tara-amazing women with so much love and patience, I aspire to be more like them. And slowly...ever so slowly...the ache from Sunday...the deep in my heart...tears in my eyes...heartbreaking feelings of self-doubt...so slowly starts to heal...until the next time. But for today, for Tuesday, I know that I am exactly where I belong- doing exactly what I was called to do. I am a mother and a teacher and I am blessed to have both- to have so many sweet children to love, care for, and teach each day-both my own and others.
not meant to hurt
not meant to make me feel small
not meant to make me feel that I am less of a mother
that I don't love my children enough
and yet that is how I feel for days and days later.
Like a broken record playing in my head I hear his words repeating. Mothers are meant to raise the children. Their priority should be at home. Something or other about giving the raising of my children over to a babysitter and how wrong that is.
I work incredibly hard to raise my children well. To love them with every ounce of my heart. To teach them to be good people. And even with all of this, because I choose to be a kindergarten teacher, I am made to feel like less. It happens in ways both big and small. Both are equally painful. Hearing in a talk in Sacrament that the right thing to do is stay home and raise the children, implying sometimes not so subtly that my choice is the wrong one. Sitting silently through a Relief Society lesson where the topic strays to how perfect and right it is to be a stay-at-home-mom blessed each day with the task of raising their children, how grateful they are to not have been tempted by the ways of the world into believing that work outside the home could ever be more important than that of raising your own children. Being left out of the circle of moms, friends that share their daily joys and hardships of raising kids, a group I so desperately wanted to belong to, but somehow was not qualified to join.
I look for signs in my children that I have made a mistake. That I have somehow let them down while touching the lives of more than 200 other children.
In 10 years I have touched the lives of more than 200 children.
How incredible is that! At times I have been the only hug, the one to wipe away the tears, to provide the breakfast or the lunch for the child that doesn't have any, I have been the saving grace that made the call-the one that helped free the child from a dangerous home. I have taught them to read, to be kind to one another, to believe in themselves, I have loved them each and every one. I have made a difference.
Remembering this my heart soars
And while I felt small after his talk, wanted to run from that Church, wanted to be brave enough just once to speak up and say "please, don't judge me, or the life I love, a life that is blessed with 20 new children to love and help raise each year, loving them does not mean I love my own any less." I have to be content in knowing that I have great kids, they are well loved by me and others. Their lives have been touched and blessed by a circle of love, charity, and kindness. Because I have worked they have had more arms to love them, more people to teach them, more examples of how to be Christlike in their words and actions, they have had Leslie and Tara-amazing women with so much love and patience, I aspire to be more like them. And slowly...ever so slowly...the ache from Sunday...the deep in my heart...tears in my eyes...heartbreaking feelings of self-doubt...so slowly starts to heal...until the next time. But for today, for Tuesday, I know that I am exactly where I belong- doing exactly what I was called to do. I am a mother and a teacher and I am blessed to have both- to have so many sweet children to love, care for, and teach each day-both my own and others.
I showed this to Kyle because it broke my heart and made me angry how quick we are to judge. He reminded me of something that I think you might like. Yes being a stay at home mom is great for some people but not everyone. On top of that it is not Gospel. You are not doing ANYTHING wrong. You have just chosen one of the many paths the LORD has laid out for you. Just because not everyone chose your path doesn't mean you made a mistake. I love you and want to be like you.
ReplyDeleteNot only have you touched the lives of more than 200 children, you have helped new teachers do the exact same thing! You are an incredible teacher, but more than that you are an AMAZING mother. Please don't forget that! I've seen you play both roles without missing a beat!
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